From the other side. if it ever comes to it.
If I were to die today,
I’d be happy.
Not because I don’t want to live (I do want to live)
But because i have lived.
And it might not be happiness that I feel.
Immense gratitude for all that my time here has given me.
If I were to die today,
Say a bike crash, just off the interstate highway.
I wouldn’t want you to cry.
I would want you to smile.
Smile at all we’ve gone through.
Smile at all that time we had.
Because we were lucky.
And we still are.
Every day, every hour.
Every cloud rolling against each other over our heads, each head we pass in the street, each street with a name that makes you think of that other thing, each thing we see through the train’s 5:41 pm window, each window to a person from the warmness of their speech.
It scares me to die.
But more specifically, it scares me not knowing when.
Because pain you can deal with.
Regret you can justify.
But uncertainty makes you double think that plunge,
So my way to deal with death.
Is to tell you now,
That if that car would hit me.
It would be okay.
Who cares about potential.
About all the people/things I could have been/seen.
Life has already given me more than I can ask for.
It’s given me a family that cares even when I didn’t.
Friends who make me feel as if belong.
Life gives me that stranger sitting across from me on the 5:56 pm train.
Those stars nurturing me at Yosemite talking with Austin about life.
Life’s given me a mind.
Given me things, more than I can ever see
But all building, all leading to
That possibility of Being.
Being, finding, living.
Filming, striving, a lot of things.
So yeah, if you ever receive that call at night saying I was hit.
Go for a run, or a hike, or throw a party, or listen to your favorite song (you could also listen to mine though, recommend I Lived, OneRepublic. I know, basic of me).
But don’t be sad, don’t feel guilty, don’t ruminate about the what-ifs because even my dying is beautiful, connects, becomes, a part of All Things.
And I can’t explain myself now, I can’t be as clear as I’d like to, but if I die, let me die by taking a deep breath, letting it out, and smiling knowing that in a million life permutations you are lucky to be experiencing one.
There’s nothing you and I could do. So maybe uncertainty is one of the most central things in life.
Scary, yes. Exciting nonetheless.
But just give my present mind some sanity and don’t let my death stop you in any way. Grow from it. Love from it. Spread your arms, hug the world, and scream. I made love with my death if that will ever make sense.
And thank you for having made this death so easy.
Because only with you I felt lucky enough to have lived at all.